Its been a really rough couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling with bulimia more than I ever have before. It all started with Thanksgiving of course, where food is the main attraction, I was in the bathroom for hours just trying to make sure I got everything out of my body. This is wrong. I keep going backwards and forwards on my true opinion of this disorder and I wish I could make up my mind for you all’s sake. I’m certain of quite a few things about bulimia but other things I’m not too sure at. I know it’s dangerous, but I don’t care. I wish it was like I’d described earlier. That I can simply stop, but it sits in my brain constantly. I eat and think to myself, “I’m going to regret this when I step on the scale in the morning.” That’s another thing, weight. I’m obsessed with my weight, I think about it all the time and when I’m not thinking about it I’m wishing I was thinking about it. I’m done losing weight of course, there is nothing left to lose. I was very concerned because I’ve gained about nine pounds but I realized it’s all in muscle because I recently got a gym membership. I think lifting and running and such is really helping my mood a lot, it’s my new alternative to vomiting. Say I eat something fattening or greasy, I’ll just have workout clothes in my car and change and go on a moments notice. I love the gym, especially the atmosphere, everyone is so positive and wants to be healthy! Just like me! I joined a Lifetime Fitness and one of the perks I got was to meet with a personal trainer, boy, was that a mistake. He took one look at me and said “Baby, we’ve got some work to do.” He measured everything, and literally gasped when he found out my waist was 17 inches. The first weigh-in I was at an ugly 103 pounds. I think he knows I have an eating disorder, there is no other logical explanation for my weight, honestly. Either way, he gave me a diet and I’ve been pretty good sticking to it. He wants me to eat a lot of carb filled foods because that’ll be easily worked off but help me to gain weight so I can get stronger and look more healthy. He said there was a large difference between being skinny and healthy…I never thought of it like that. I go just about every day, it’s open 24 hours and that’s really nice for me because I stress about things at night and want to detox and having the opportunity to just run or bike or stairmaster the stress away is a wonderful feeling.
I hope you all are well,
All my love,
American Girl
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