Putting Myself Back Together a Bit

So, as I’ve mentioned before, I have a situation in my life that’s been causing me some stress. There’s nothing I can do to control the situation, I just need to wait it out and see where we net out at. As a result of this anxiety, I’ve resorted to the old tried and true habits that keep me at 300+ pounds. Stuffing my feelings down with whatever is handy – baked goods, vending machine crap, fried shit, you know the drill. Because it “soothes” me. Argh.

I decided this weekend that I’m not giving any more power to this situation, precisely because I cannot control any of it – only my reaction to it. (I’m being vague because it’s not my story to tell, but it affects me.) And that is a sea change for me because I’m a worrier and a planner and an avoider – so focusing on things that I cannot see, smell, or touch today is kind of my thing. I don’t live in the moment. I don’t tackle my demons. I don’t *live* my life. I don’t even know where the days/weeks/months/years go anymore. I feel like I’ve got nothing to show for it other than “future plans.”

Well, feh to that.

I can do whatever it is I want to do, or I can get myself as close to it as humanly possible. I have obstacles to overcome, but they are not insurmountable. They are not life-threatening (knock-wood, cross-fingers, am-not-invoking). They are just hurdles. And I can work with that. What I can’t leap over, I can crawl around.

So…I’m fat. For now. If that’s the worst that someone can call me, or if that’s the flaw I find in myself…that’s okay. It’s not permanent, and it’s not what defines the whole of who I am. Despite my frequent protestations to the contrary, I am still young and vibrant. I am smart and resourceful. Most of the time, I am a good person. Sometimes I’m funny. Occasionally, I think I’m pretty. For a brief shining moment here and there, I feel invincible. I need to remember that I’m not the only one who has dark moments. And when I feel defeated or sad or lonely or old or broken – I need to acknowledge it for what it is. A common feeling. And then I need to remind myself of all the reasons that this feeling is not my truth. It’s not WHO I am, it’s how I’m FEELING at that particular time.

Tomorrow, I’m going to have a good day, no matter what.